To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Postado por caio em novembro 21, 2000 9:11 AMA counter-proposal to subjects of the English monarchy
We the people of the United States of America, in order to form a more entertaining union, hereby extend an offer to the people of that quaint little island known as England (or Great Britain, or whatever) to become our 51st state. Given your reluctance to embrace full European unity, along with your inability to compete economically on your own, this would seem to be an ideal step forward for you. There are numerous benefits.
1. Your government may remain mostly intact. Each of our states has its own administration, and if you want to continue under a Parliamentary system and call your governor a 'Prime Minister,' well we think that would be very cute and would encourage you to do so. Your laws would need to jibe with our Constitution of course, but we expect that you would enjoy having actual rights under the law, for a change.
2. You can keep the royals. Of course the Windsor family would have no actual legal standing, but let's face it, they don't count for much now anyway. Their value as a tourist attraction is unquestioned, though, and we expect Disney will greatly enhance their appeal once it assumes the administration of the various palaces and castles. You should feel free to bow or curtsey or do headstands or turn cartwheels or whatever nonsense you think they'll find amusing when you meet, but as citizens and not subjects you need no longer feel obliged.
3. A clean break from Europe. Admit it: you're dying for this. Yes, it's a shame you can't manage it on your own, but get over it. However, as America's trading gateway to the continent, your economy would soon be booming. And just imagine waving goodbye to the foreigners now collecting welfare in England because your European treaty prevents you from sending them home.
4. Minimal cultural impact. For those of you worried that your streets will be filled with American fast-food franchises, your cinemas filled with mindless American movies, we would suggest you take a good look around. It's already happened, and it ain't going away. As for language, you should preserve your charming accents and even spell or pronounce words however you like. We're not sticklers for that sort of thing.
5. Superpower status. The Empire isn't coming back, so this might be the next best thing. Over here, we'd be happy to see you take over the American involvement in NATO. Over there, you would probably enjoy having the French and Germans bluster and whine about your clumsy leadership in the alliance, but falling into line like little puppies when you finally get around to deciding what should be done. It's really good fun, once you get the hang of it.
6. Sadly, the pound must go. You can migrate to the dollar gradually, but look on the bright side: at least it isn't the Euro, whose paper notes feature drawings of imaginary places because there would never be agreement about which country's cities or leaders should be on which denominations. We'll even put an English historical figure on a new note or coin (Churchill is the only one we know, but you can take your pick). We can't allow any royalty on our currency, alas, but there's no reason we can't put the Queen and family onto postage stamps, as we now include many celebrities on stamps.
If you're reluctant to go for full statehood, we might be able to work out something like the deal we give other island dependencies, such as Puerto Rico or even Samoa. That way you can consider full independence every so often, if it makes you feel better. But we think you'll enjoy having your own representatives in Congress, fighting to have useless Federal projects established in the State of England (nice ring to that, no?) to boost your local economy. And we know you'll love participating every four years in the world's most important election. You don't even need any particular voting equipment any outdated system you already have will suffice. Just fax in your vote totals whenever you can agree on them.
Postado por: caio em novembro 22, 2000 2:11 AM